The ex-obsession is a horrible plague, on both your houses. It can wake you up in the middle of the night, frantic and confused lying in a puddle of your own sweat and the remains of a torrid dream. It can make him defensive, put him in positions where he’s likely to lie to you or make alternate connect-the-dots of the truth to shield your jealousy. It’s messy to say the least.
A friend of mine has just broken up with her boyfriend, leaving him bereft and heartbroken – but they both know it’s for the best, it was a case of right man wrong time. But I’ve started to wonder about the next girl that comes along. How on earth is she going to live in that colossal shadow left by my friend? How will he feel about the next one? Will he be forever comparing, finding one of them comes up trumps? And, oh the horror, will he catch his new girlfriend coming out of the shower, with a gleam of light shining on her upper thigh, and even though he’ll hate himself for thinking it – will he say to himself “God, that’s a weird shape, I miss (fill the blank)’s thighs”. It doesn’t actually bare thinking about.
But it doesn’t happen. You tell me – have you ever looked at your boyfriend and thought, “I bloody wish he’d be a bit more like (the last fucker I dated)” and then turned away in disgust? I doubt it. It’s more likely you’ve thought a tiny little dark thought, which went a bit like “I want to go out (the other guy…what’s his name?) used to take me out all the time” and then have a little sulk, emerging after a hot tea and a bar of chocolate like a girl re-born, adoring your current boyfriend as he’s on the phone making restaurant reservations.
There is never anything to worry about regarding the ex-girlfriend. They broke up for a reason, and after the break-up no matter how many Romeo and Juliet ‘we’re going to be together forever’ fantasies they had (or, more likely, she had) are going to be dashed on the rocks, and re-designed to fit someone else.
But you wont remember that the next time the fear strikes you. So the best plan is to sensibly, without whining, crying or putting on a green ensemble to further your point - talk to him about it. Just explain. Tell him that it’s something you think about sometimes, and that you’d understand if he got a little jealous of your former boyfriends (that’s right – share the neuroses around – it’s good for balance). Whatever you do, don’t crack out. You’ll look like Ally McBeal, and I’m yet to meet a man who would have considered trying to get into her knickers.
